Twilight Offers New Vampires – Now with No Penis!

twilight_twilightRemember when vampires were the quintessential exemplar of manhood gone wild? They were dangerous, powerful, sexual and scary. So how have we screwed up one of the most enduring representations of male power? Sit back, relax, enjoy and let the Beefboy do, what the Beefboy does best… and that’s break it right on down for you!

In the new tradition of destroying anything even remotely masculine, I’d like to introduce… the vampires from Twilight! With Twilight, we’ve managed to remove all that in favor of political correctness and warm fuzzy emo bullshit.

The vampires from Twilight are angst-ridden, vegetarian, baseball-playing pansies. The Twilight vampires walk around during the day, live in a big metrosexual eco-house and eternally attend High School! Riddle me this Batman: If you were a vampire, who was a century old, and you eternally hopped from one High School to another, what does that make you? Cool? Or a fucking centennial pervert?

And instead of burning to dust, how does a vampire in Twilight react to direct sunlight? They sparkle!


The protagonist male vampire is prettier than his human female counterpart and wears twice as much lipstick! He can’t even kiss her without recoiling in terror! And just to make sure that he plays to every woman’s fantasy of the pussy-whipped gelding, the icing on the cake is that he reads minds. Don’t worry ladies, this vampire will remember your birthday (and give you the perfect gift), he’ll know immediately what’s wrong in a fight and he’ll take out the fucking trash without being asked!

Poppycock! Or more like… NO COCK!

The full and total emasculation of vampires in Twilight is akin to dressing Darth Vader in a pink tutu or giving Shaft erectile dysfunction! Anyone involved in the creation and propagation of any incarnation of Twilight should be arrested and tried for assassination of the male mystique.

The thirteen year old girls who made the Twilight books and movie so popular are going to wish their vampires had balls when they grow up.

Dig it!

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One Response to Twilight Offers New Vampires – Now with No Penis!

  1. mark says:

    Cool blog, enjoy following it greatly!

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