December 25, 2005

-The movie festival... and the coughing continues, but I've got a few things on my mind.

-I saw a small crusty old man in a humongous new monster truck, and it struck me as wholly incongruous. Most of the time when you see someone driving one of those, they look like a redneck Quagmire, fighting with their desire to look cool, all the while knowing that they're hung like fruit fly. What was that relic doing in that truck? We may never know.

-The Beefboy is excited about A&E's Rollergirls show, debuting on Monday night. Pictured above is Miss Conduct... my kind of girl.

-Hey, let the Beefboy run an idea by you. Bands create music videos for just about every album out there, but there's no place to see the videos. How about creating a cable network, specifically designed to show those videos... like a radio station, but on television... it would be like Music Television... get it?

W-what was that? They already have one of those? And it's called Music Television? Well, they certainly aren't showing videos on MTV! They're not showing many videos on M2 either. In fact, to see any videos at all, you have to watch VH-1 very late at night, or like country music... and this cowboy don't play that shit.

What MTV has become is a shit-stained amalgam of reality programs, game shows and award shows (by the way, MTV having the Video Music Awards, when they don't actually show videos, is a lot like BET hosting the Old Money Cracker Awards)! In fact, while I appreciated new programming, like Unplugged and Liquid Television, it was the 90's that forever ruined MTV with the invention of The Real World.

Once executives got a taste of the numbers that The Real World brought to their network, suddenly they couldn't make enough of those shows, and they had a big problem... no time for videos. You can also blame The Real World for every reality show on television today (Rollergirls included).

The problem is that if you really enjoy music videos as an art form, where the hell can you see them? I can remember watching MTV when it first came on the air. They ran back-to-back videos, with absolutely no politics, graft or bullshit. You'd get David Bowie, followed by the Rolling Stones, followed by Genesis, then the Buggles, Prince, Debbie Harry and the Art of Noise... they were all over the map! This deluge of visually oriented music, from a large variety of sources, deeply influenced my own love of all kinds of music (except country- everyone says, "except country..." okay, I don't like polka, or bluegrass, or yodeling either).

I'd seriously like to see someone step up and take the street cred away from MTV. They are no longer cool. MTV has jumped the shark. Cool counter-culture programming doesn't involve Andy Milinokis, or 16 year old brats whining that it's their "special day" or Candid Camera "reimagined", or anything to do with Kurt Loder. Anything.

If you like music videos, you can find some online. Video Code Pro, is not bad, but I'd like to see a place that has some sort of filtering, or offers programming, as opposed to just letting you find groups you already know. Part of the brilliance of early MTV was its random nature. I'd hang on just to see what came up next, and be exposed to some really great new stuff.

Is anyone out there? All these music executives who can't figure out what is happening to their market need to be listening to the Beefboy. If you boys and girls would get together and start your own channel, you could offer us a panoply of music and drive new consumers to your product.

Then I'd get to stay up late and have that great inner war over getting some decent sleep, or staying up to experience something new and inspiring.

December 24, 2005

-The Beefboy has been fighting more than injustice this Christmas- it looks like I'm fighting the flu too. Still, I wanted to take a few moments off from drinking fluids and finally catching up on some movie-watching (being sick can have its good points), to wish all of the Beefantics, and the new visitors, a very Merry Christmas!

When I'm fully back in business, there's going to be a ton of new content, including something that I've wanted to do for a long time... Podcasts!

Benny, Tammy, Oversoul, and everyone else who writes regularly, you're in my thoughts this time of year. I hope that everyone is safe and happy.

Next year is going to fucking rock!

Dig it!

December 17, 2005

-Now Oral-B has a toothbrush with an "onboard computer". Who the fuck needs an onboard computer in their fucking toothbrush?!! (Okay, I've seen some rednecks and tree-huggers who need that.) The Beefboy doesn't need his toothbrush to hold his hand and neither do you!

-Do you ever watch Cheaters? I have to admit the guilty pleasure of seeing cheaters caught with their pants down in front of a TV crew. Now the Cheaters crew, including host Joey Greco, has been slapped with an assault charge. Nothing says "smarm" like Joey Greco, so I'm not shedding any tears here.

December 13, 2005

-Whew! The Beefboy had one hell of a great but long weekend and I needed to rest my ass last night, but I'm back, baby!

-So, the last time I mentioned Sienna Miller, she had broken up with Jude Law for slipping the sausage to his nanny. Fast forward about four months and she's back with the cheater, because he's a "changed man". Sienna's dad has threatened to kill Jude if he cheats on her again!

Here's some breaking news for Sienna and all you other chicks out there. Dudes don't change. Shame on all of you for believing that horseshit. If a nutsack will cheat on you once, he's just going to be more clever about it next time. Period. Bank on it. Better to find a guy like the Beefboy, who always respects his lady.

-The United States Post Office will hike stamp prices by 2 cents at the first of next year. Naturally, you're thinking that they are deep in debt, so they have to make up for that right? Well, if that's what you think, you're wrong. See, the USPS has recently paid off 11 billion dollars in debt, and now has a surplus of money, but for some reason, Congress has decreed that they must generate 3 more billion dollars for an escrow account. Why? I thought the United States Postal Service was a non-profit agency. I want to know what Congress plans to do with that money. Sounds like a backdoor tax to the Beefboy... and when I say "back door" I mean "anal rape"!

-Let's talk about low flow toilets. I grew up in a house that was built in the 70's. It had a number of crappers that had a good resounding American flush! In the mid-nineties, some hippie freaks decided that low flow toilets should be installed everywhere, and unless you have an old porcelain throne, you have to flush about 18 times, which obviates any chance of saving water, which incidentally, also makes the low flow toilet completely fucking useless!

Only someone who eats handfuls of colon-blowing granola would have the pellet-laden stool to pass through a new toilet! I say we capture those fuckers and force them to clean out anything that doesn't go in the first flush- with their environmentally conscience tongues!

December 7, 2005

-Looks like Marilyn Manson tied the knot with supersweet fetish hottie Dita Von Teese. If you'd like to see what MM saw on his honeymoon, you should check out the new Beefboy Fanpage on Dita!

December 6, 2005

-I can almost... almost get excited about seeing King Kong. Yes, it's Peter Jackson's follow-up to the Lord of the Rings. Yes, it has Jack Black in it. Yes, it's getting damn good reviews. The problem I have is... uhmmm... I've fucking SEEN King Kong before. Two different versions! I've also seen Mighty Joe Young, most Gozilla movies and the King Kong animated series (which, by the way, mars an otherwise fun and innovative Saturday morning line-up on ABC Family). Let the Beefboy guess... at the end of the movie he climbs up to the top of the Empire State Building and takes a dive. The. End. Sorry if I spoiled it for anyone.

Here's the real issue. After Peter Jackson finished the Lord of the Rings trilogy, making 3 billion at the box office, and putting a dumpload of oscar gold on that sundae, he could have done anything he wanted. He could have made a three hour epic about his own nutsack and he would have been able to find bank for that. And he chose King Kong, a movie that has been made two previous times and has been spoofed, copied and outdone (Jurassic Park, anyone?).

Hey look, like I said, I'm almost excited about seeing King Kong. It could really be a great movie. The reason I'm ranting about King Kong is that it's yet ANOTHER remake in a year full of sequels, shitty television adaptions, "reimaginings", do-overs and take-backs. I followed a 19 week drought this year where the movie industry kept scratching their heads wondering why-oh-why they couldn't match last year's money. While I'm sure that King Kong will make tons of money, it certainly won't save the movie industry, which seems to be even more devoid of new ideas than the Democrat party (and that's saying a lot).

I'm upset because after Lord of the Rings, I expect more from Peter Jackson. Looks like I'll have to wait.

December 5, 2005

-Want to hear a podcast with the Beefboy? I did a project last week that may lead to a regular series of podcasts, both on the Couch Pirates site and here. Check out our pilot project at www.couchpirates.com.

December 4, 2005

-New 10 Second Reviews in the sidebar to the right.

November 29, 2005

-New Fan Page: Gigi Edgley

November 20, 2005

-I've got some things to clear out around here, and I don't feel like talking politics today, so let's get started.

-Have you seen Samurai Champloo? I just got through watching the first DVD volume of the series and it's just brilliant! The characters are great, the story is great and the direction is great. I love the music in this series too. It's just incredibly cool, Beefanatics. If you dig animated work, you're missing out by not watching this series. It's on the Cartoon Network during Saturday night's Adult Swim line up too... but nothing beats seeing it from the beginning.

-Someone just sent me a book you need to know about too. It's called Bat Boy Lives and it's from the editors of the Weekly World News... yes, THE Weekly World News. How many of you have partaken of the guilty pleasure of picking up an issue of the Weekly World News to read about "Killer Androids Breeding Like Flies" or "I was Bigfoot's Love Slave"? I know one of my friends picks up copies all the time, and they are always entertaining. Well, they have gathered the best, most outrageous stories in one volume. If you want a coffee table book that doesn't suck, and is guaranteed to entertain your guests... this is the book! Thanks to Jeffery for sending me the book!

-A friend of mine has a blog you need to check out, it's called If You Don't Like It, Bite It and it has commentary by my friend Tammy. You should go check it out and tell her the Beefboy sent you.

-Mike, another friend of mine, entered B.E.E.F.B.O.Y. into an online page that give you a cyborg name and this is what he came up with:

Biomechanical Electronic Entity Fabricated for Battle and Online Yelling

That's pretty appropriate, isn't it? Thanks Mike! You can check out his site here.

-Yet another friend of mine, Eddie, sent me a story about Mischa Barton on the O.C., who apparently had a nipple slip. Now I didn't find that, but I did find another nipple slip at a photo shoot (to the right). If anyone has that pic, or knows where to find it, email me and I'll post it.

-I just added a new page to the Beefboy Rants. It's called the Fan Page and I'm going to use it to post pictures that I get from hot fans, and also to post photos of women who I'm a fan of... see? Everyone's happy! I already have Adrianne Curry (of course) and I just added Tricia Helfer from Battlestar Gallactica. Much more to come soon!

If you'd like to get listed on the Fan Page, send the Beefboy some hot photos, okay? If you do what Nikkei Nicole did, you're absolutely guaranteed to get your own page.

-Why the hell is Jennifer Aniston the "Man of the Year" at GQ? Okay, she's hot and all, but the only thing she did this year was get dumped by Brad Pitt for the infinitely hotter Angelina Jolie. If anyone should be the "Man of the Year" it should be Brad Pitt for porking both of those chicks!

Excuse me, I didn't mean to offend anyone by saying "porking", I meant "schlonging".

-I'd like to thank everyone for writing me over the past few months and I'd like to invite others to send me your thoughts. I really enjoy reading what you have to say (whether you agree with me or not) and I'll post the best letters in the Octagon.

The Beefboy would particularly like to hear what members of our armed forces have to say about the war in Iraq and all the hoopla that's happening back here. Let's hear from the men and women who really matter in this debate.

November 14, 2005

-Nothing against blazing hot Keira Knightley but, Pride and Prejudice?!! I figured that movie had been made at least a couple of times previously, so I went to IMDB.com and checked it out. Well. they've made that fucking movie TEN FUCKING TIMES!!! You know, if this was a movie that required better special effects or something, at least you could excuse it for the update, but seriously, how different can the 2005 version be versus the 1940 version? It's a fucking period piece!!! With all the scripts out there, with all the books and comics that haven't been adapted, why go back to something that has been made nine other times? I hope someone in Hollywood is listening.

-A fond farewell to Eddie Guerrero. You certainly entertained me and my friends. You will be missed.

-On Meet the Press last weekend, Democrat Chairman Howard Dean railed on Bush and the Republicans for the balance of his visit, then, when asked by Tim Russert, what the Democrats offered in the realm of solutions, Dean gave a bunch of flowery horseshit moon language (like "we're for strong social security, and health care, and helping the poor"... as if EVERYONE isn't for those things!). Then Russert pressed the issue, pointing out that, without specifics, all that talk means nothing. Dean responded that the Dems had some ideas, but right now they just wanted to oppose everything and they would "reveal" their ideas early next year.

So let's see if the Beefboy has this correct Dean... for the past few decades you nutsacks have given us nothing, and you realize that, HOWEVER, you're STILL not ready to come up with the goods. We should just hold our breath and wait for all the great shit to come out of your mouth. Well, the Beefboy's got a plan, and you don't have to wait another second.

FUCK YOU!!!

Yep, that's right! Fuck you Dean! This plan of "oppose and offer nothing" is fucking killing this country! I'm not waiting for shit! You and your brethren were hired to do a job.

I'd love to go to work tomorrow and tell my boss, "You know what? I hate everything you do and I'm going to do everything I can to oppose you! And you know what else? I've got some brilliant fucking ideas about how to do my job, but I'm not going to tell them to you until sometime next year!" Yeah, that bullshit would fly! I'd be stuffing my office crap in a shitty box and heading home to watch Dr. Phil before Vince McMahon could say, "You're. Fired!"

Again, I ask for all of you to remember this when you go to the polls! Vote everyone out. EVERYONE! They all have to go! They deserve no better than what we would get if we acted the same way. It's time to tell them all, "YOU'RE FIRED!"

-Dig it!

November 7, 2005

The lovely (and engaged) Adrianne Curry with some other chicks you might know...

-The Beefboy got caught up in the "My Fair Brady" marathon on VH1 yesterday.. what can I say? I'm in love with Adrianne Curry. So is Chris Knight, and he's got a ring on that finger, so respect to him. I'd like to hate that guy, but he seems like a decent level-headed dude, so I'll just say congratulations.

-Can someone tell the Beefboy why, with Paris, Belgium and Germany in flames, a war in Iraq, brain dead politicians trading quips and the White House in a freefall, are we continually bombarded with bullshit about the avian flu?!! Seriously. Scientists have been following this "issue" for seven years now. There is no communicable version of this flu. Let me repeat that. Humans can NOT transfer this flu to another person. Period. So, what's the big obsession here? Why does the media get all warm in the crotch over this story? Why has our President decided to dump $7.1 BILLION on a phantom menace? Sure, there's a possibility that the avian flu will become a pandemic, then again, there's a chance that Adrianne Curry will come to her senses and live in sin with the Beefboy... but neither is a good chance, and frankly there's more to worry about right now. Seems like a swerve to keep us from dealing with real issues!

-Two Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders (pictures above) were arrested after a bar fight that began because patrons complained that the cheerleaders were having sex with each other in the bathroom. I think this is absolutely reprehensible! This can't go without some serious repercussions. The Beefboy volunteers to teach these naughty little girls a lesson, and punish them all night long!

November 6, 2005

- For the first time ever, last month, The Beefboy Rants got two million hits! Thanks to all the Beefanatics! Please help me continue to spread the word!

- The lovely Toxic Goddess Haze is in the new Toxic Goddess T-Shirt, now available in black! To everyone who has been asking for those, now you have no excuse to not pick one up! Visit the new Sight Key Studios Online Store, to pick up your own today!

- Am I the only person who feels like a superior entity when they enter Wal Mart? Like an alien who has traveled across space to observe lower life forms?

Now, despite what you might think, I don't typically have a superiority complex, but Wal Mart has become such a wretched hive of scum and villainy that I just had to say something.

It starts with people who are totally oblivious to the fact that their celestially fat ass and their shopping cart is blocking every aisle in the joint! They put the cart on one side of the lane and stand on the other, then when you try to get past, they look at you like you've brought dishonor to their family!

Next, you have the cell phone idiots, who will speak at the top of their voice and talk about the most private and ludicrous horseshit ever. I'm talking about stuff that 20 years ago, you'd be embarrassed if anyone in town knew about it! Of course if you happen to turn around and look at them, because you thought they were talking directly to you, they give you the icy stare, like "Hey buddy, this is a private conversation". And all I can think is, "Fuck you nutsack! You're the one who has your genitals hanging out for everyone to see! Don't be surprised when I take a peek!"

Finally you have the abject idiot. I'm talking about rednecks, thugs and the voluntarily retarded, who hold up every line and tie up already sparse employees, with fucktard questions about the most inane things under the sun!

I'm starting to wish that I had a flame thrower every time I visit that place! I figure if you fry a couple of dozen people that everyone else will be on notice to practice some basic human decency and get the fuck out of my way!

- Why is Bush in South America? Why the fuck did that guy go down to Argentina and give Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez an ounce of credibility? Doesn't Bush have better handlers than that? Seriously. This is the latest of about six major fuck-ups over the past few months.

Hey Bush, why don't you get your ass home, clean out your handlers, start focusing on the borders, veto some spending bills and let loose the Dogs of War in Iraq? We have to put up with your ass for three more years!!! I don't have any hair, but if I did- I'd be pulling it out RIGHT NOW!

-Okay, back to France. Honestly, I don't want to beat up on France all the time, they used to be our finest allies, and could be again, but France is such an easy target, and I think someone's got to call "bullshit" now and then.

Riots have been going on in regions around Paris over the past ten evenings, resulting in hundreds of torched cars and public buildings. Today, several cops were injured by rioters. What the press is calling "youths" are actually Muslim thugs, who are slowly moving towards downtown Paris. The government has been exceptionally effective in doing absolutely nothing! French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin has met with "community leaders", others have gathered in rallies to protest violence, meanwhile, Paris is burning.

This stuff is so easy to solve. If I was Dictator of France, I would call for martial law, with a curfew, then order cops to shoot rioters on sight. Bing, bang, boom! Problem solved. Then I would have French uberhottie Laetitia Casta service my royal ass, nightly!

Dig it!

October 30, 2005

-Awww, aren't those little girls cute? They're Lamb and Lynx from the band Prussian Blue. Oh, and they're little racist nazis too. They like to sing about white power and a lot of other shit that their mom has indoctrinated in their little mushy skulls. I propose that we mulch their mom and give the girls to the Wu Tang Clan on their 18th birthday for an old-fashioned gangbang.

Neo-nazis fall under my "Trekkie" classification. They're no different from people who wear Spock ears and go to conventions to get autographs from George Takei. Want to be a geek loser? Just Google "white power".

-Racists come in all shapes and sizes. Take Louis Farrakhan... please. He just had his "Millions More March", or as I like to call it, the "Million Molecule March", because there's no way there were a million people at this one. Despite the fact that attendance was anemic, CNN saw fit to run the picture from the last march, TEN YEARS AGO. That's interesting. Bias in the media? Impossible.

Louis Farrakhan recently posited the theory that someone bombed the New Orleans levees to flood black people. Yeah, that's likely. What's more likely is that Louis has put forward that theory, and held the "Millions More March" to fill his own pockets with cold hard cash.

-Speaking of George Takei. Set phasers on "stunned". George Takei is gay. This is less of a news story than an excuse to use that tired catch phrase. For the first time ever, I've mentioned George Takei, and now I've said his name four times... about four more times than I ever will again.

-Cindy Sheehan was arrested outside the White House, protesting the war. She wanted 2000 protesters to reflect the 2000 soldiers who gave their lives in Iraq. They arrested twelve. Did you hear that sound? It's the deafening sound of a clock striking 15 minutes of fame. Cindy, you're time is up.

-The "Republican Revolution" is over. A little over ten years ago, at a time when the whole country was full of frustration over a government that was tainted with out-of-control spending, partisan bickering, corruption and general all around bullshit, the Republican minority gave us the "Contract with America". With the help of the Contract with America, and a deep desire to see some serious change, for the first time in several decades the Republicans won control of Congress. Now, over a decade later, the Republicans run all of Congress, the White House and will soon have the majority of the Supreme Court.

In the "Contract with America", again, given to us over ten years ago, the GOP told us that if we elected them it "would be the end of government that is too big, too intrusive, and too easy with the public's money". Ten years later, the Republicans have given us exactly, precisely, what they said they would change. All we have changed is the "D" to "R" behind the majority. Oh, we also have rampant corruption, an open border, energy woes and a new war on porn, not child porn, but consensual adult porn. Neat.

So basically, if you're an elected Republican, fuck you. The Party is over. You've lied to us, you've used us, and now you want to even deprive us of our right to jack off in the privacy of our own home! If you're a Kool-aid drinking Republican, or your name is Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity, and you walk in lockstep with your brethren, no matter what they do, then fuck you too!

Don't get the Beefboy wrong. I have "fuck yous" for Democrats too! I've never seen a party so confused, so ineffectual and so irrelevant in my life! I haven't heard a new idea out of a Democrat's mouth in ages! It's all just the same old party-line crap. The Dems are bankrupt in every way possible. It's opposition, not on the basis of ideas, but based on the fact that they just want to be in control! I don't want their asses in there either.

In fact, here's my proposal. This next year we're going to get a chance to send a message to our leaders who have abandoned us for special interests and constituents who have the deepest pockets. We're in fucking charge here! We can ruin the day of every motherfucking one of them! Vote against anyone who is in office. Anyone. (Okay, I'll give a pass to Tom Tancredo and Curt Weldon, who seem to be the only guys who are willing to buck the system.)

Better yet, vote for some Independents, or some Libertarians. Really shake things up. If 30% are dead-set on voting for the left, and 30% are dead-set on voting for the right, then that leaves 40% of us who can swing the election in a new direction. Want your country back? Get everyone out of there! Let's show them a real revolution! Who's with the Beefboy?

Dig it!

October 19, 2005

-Hail Beefanatics! Two years after it was cancelled, the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show will return to CBS on December 6th. You see, chicks in lingerie always win in the long run. Screw all you censoring twats!

-I haven't forgotten about Joel Hinrichs. My main lady, Jayna Davis, who is all over the terrorist bullshit that happens in Oklahoma, is all over this case as well. Suddenly I feel a little better. If she finds out anything new, I'll be sure to tell you.

-The Beefboy has been following a lot of news over the past couple of weeks and the nomination of Harriet Miers, for Supreme Court Justice, fascinates me (and not for any reason you might think).

I think it's hilarious to listen to the same Republicans who preached to all of us how we must refrain from asking Judge Roberts any specific questions which he might be forced to adjudicate in the coming months, turn their jackboots 180 degrees in opposite direction and now demand that Harriet Miers tell them her views on everything from abortion to her favorite sex toy. For a gaggle of nutsacks who repeatedly beat us over the head about not using a "litmus test", they are dead set on doing just that... which gets me to my point.

Just when did the subject of abortion become the most important fucking issue that we have to deal with? Ever?!!! Seriously, why has this become THE TEST, on BOTH SIDES, with which we weigh a potential Supreme Court Justice? If a nominee is for abortion (or choice - I hate this wordplay horseshit) then all Dems love her. If a nominee is against abortion (or against a woman's right to choose - again fuck all of you) then all Republicans love her.

Is anyone aware of the fact that the Supreme Court recently buttfucked the entire nation and pissed all over our fine Constitution by changing the meaning of eminent domain? Does the fact that corrupt city councils can now evict you from your home to build a Wal Mart? It would make my buddy Thomas Jefferson shit his pants to hear this!

What about the coming decisions on free speech, the right to bear arms, freedom of religion and rights to privacy that will surely test this court over the next generation? What about real problems like our borders, terrorism and Ryan Seacrest?

Are we seriously ONLY looking at abortion to figure out whether a person is qualified to defend our fucking rights? That's outrageous! All you Republican and Democrat fuckers better get your head out of your ass, stop playing politics and start thinking about our future - OR YOU WILL BE REPLACED!!!

-These baby names will make you mad, but the Beefboy likes them. Nic Cage just named his son Kal-el. Ha! That's Superman's real name baby! One of the Beefboy's favorite deviants, Penn Jillette, just named his daughter Moxie Crimefighter! That's great.

-Finally, I'm going to tell you about a recent trip to the movies. I went to see History of Violence (you won't like it, but I did) with a couple of good friends and during the previews I ran into a movie that, at first, I thought was a joke. Really.

Have you ever heard of Brokeback Mountain? The Beefboy needs you to sit down before you read this. I'm not making this up. It's about two gay cowboys who find love in the mountains. Seriously. It took all that was in me to not just bust out in uncontrollable laughter during the preview for Bareback... err Brokeback Mountain! I knew if I started laughing I'd never quit before the show started. The only thing they didn't show was the two main characters eating pudding! It's directed by Ang Lee. So, apparently after emasculating the Incredible Hulk, now Lee seeks to actually make a movie that is MORE gay! Who wants to see this movie? Gay men don't want to see this movie! Harvey Fierstein would be insulted by this movies inherent gayness!

And Hollywood is wondering why box office sales are down? Please.

October 5, 2005

-Curiouser and curiouser...

I've got some more news about the bomber in Norman Oklahoma. I'm advising that you take everything with a grain of salt. My biggest issue at this point is that local officials are playing the cover-up game and the national media is out-to-lunch.

Joel Hinrichs tried to buy ammonium nitrate last week. That's the exact same substance little bed wetting fucktoy Timmy McVeigh used to bomb the Oklahoma City federal building in 1995. The owner of the store said Joel was acting suspicious and that he was wearing a vest with wires coming out of it!

One report said that an inventory list of items from Joel's car included "13 plastic bottles" found in his trunk. Supposedly, there were a number of explosives that were set off in the Norman police department firing range. Other online reports say that some of his roommates were on a terrorist watch list.

I'm finding more stories on the internet, and there are stories locally, but the Beefboy is asking why, oh why, isn't there anything in the national media on this story? Fucking amazing.

And yes, Joel Hinrichs looks just like the cover boy of Jihad GQ. Nice beard nutsack. More stories below...

Jihad Watch

Northeast Intelligence Network

National Terror Alert

When is the New York Times, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, FOX News, MSNBC and HGTV going to catch up? All you fuckers are demonstrating your irrelevance! This is the dawn of a new age! The Beefboy is making all the media my bitch!

Dig it!

October 4, 2005

-Last month all of you set a record for hits. This site got over one and a half million hits in September! Thank you Beefanatics!

-Red Fucking Alert! On Saturday, in Norman Oklahoma, during the OU/K-State game, an apparently disaffected youth took his life by detonating a bomb... or so we've been told. OU President David Boren has informed everyone that this is an isolated incident, and that's all there is to it. The national media has dropped this story, but the Beefboy is on the case!

I live in Oklahoma and local reports are beginning to shape an entirely different story. Joel Hinrichs III, the dead bomber, was reported to have a large supply of explosives in his apartment. Reports have also mentioned that he was involved with a muslim group on the OU campus, had "Jihadist material", and that his roommate (who has disappeared since Saturday) is from fucking Pakistan!

Hello? Is anyone out there? Where the fuck is the national media on this story? Do any of you reporter fucks earn a living any more? I listened to an hour long press conference with President Bush today and heard a lot of questions about bird flu and steroids in baseball, but I didn't hear any questions about our borders, or about this potentially botched terrorist attack in Norman Oklahoma!!!

WHAT THE FUCK?!!! Wake up America!

OU President David Boren wants everyone to forget this event because it might cut into the incredibly lucrative OU football box office. The FBI wants to sweep this under the rug, because ONCE AGAIN, those fuckers got caught with their tightly pressed britches around their ankles. Finally, the media wanders around with their thumb up their ass and the most myopic Coke-bottle glasses in existence!!!

That leaves us with yet another incident here in Oklahoma, and ONCE AGAIN, our leaders fail to step up and deal with this issue. After the Oklahoma City Bombing (which may have ties to the Middle East, but is being ignored), the presence of Zacarias Moussaoui (the 20th hijacker on 9-11) and now this potential boondoggle, we need to conduct a dragnet in this state that rivals what we did in World War II. The FBI, CIA and local police need to take off their sissy pants and get busy cleaning out the terrorist cells around here! David Boren (who is usually a good guy) needs to suck it up and stop trying to be the band leader for a big cover-up. But most importantly, the national press must stop covering Cindy Sheehan, parents of lost kids in Aruba and other useless bullshit, and start paying attention to real stories that affect our national security! All of you national journalists out there should be ashamed of yourself. The Beefboy just scooped your candy ass!

September 26, 2005

- The Beefboy lives several lives, and I'm currently very involved with something called the Toxic Goddess Project. It promotes women with attitude, including models, dominatrix, artists, writers and entertainers. I'd like to invite all the Beefanatics to join the Toxic Goddess Yahoo Group, where a ton of these lovely ladies post photos, talk with fans and keep you up on what's happening in their wild world. The Beefboy is on there, you should be too!

I'd also like to invite you to visit the Toxic Goddess website, which has even more photos, feature articles, erotic stories, links to a bunch of very sexy and very cool women, plus has exclusive photos of the celestial Toxic Goddess models!

Would the Beefboy steer you wrong?

 

 

- Weatherman Scott Stevens has informed us that hurricane Katrina was created with secret eco-weaponry and unleashed on the United States by the Japanese Yakuza! Wow! I love this shit! Give the Beefboy a good conspiracy theory any day! If he could have managed to get Britney Spears involved in that conspiracy, it could have been the best of all time!

-Some of the coolest authors around (including one of the Beefboy's favorite writers Neil Gaimen) is doing a fan-fucking-tastic thing to support the First Amendment Project. They have all banded together and are offering to put your name in their next novel, if you win a bid on Ebay! If names like Stephen King, John Grisham, Amy Tan or Lemony Snicket make you hard, you should check out this site.

September 13, 2005

-Adrianne Curry has been a perennial favorite here at the Beefboy Rants. Because I never tire of her, and because I get tons of requests for pictures of Adrianne, I've created a brand new feature... The Beefboy's Fan Page! The first subject is none other than Adrianne Curry! Click here to see photos and get some info on Adrianne.

September 11, 2005

-Sure, I could talk about the anniversary of September 11, or hurricane Katrina, but if you're anything like me, you'd rather hear about anything but those two things! So, I'm taking a break, and instead bringing you goodies!

-Thanks to Nikkei Nicole (above) who sent in a whole set of exclusive photos (that you can see here) just for the Beefboy and all his fans to see! Wow! That's awesome Nikkei. Thanks!

If you'd like to see even more of Nikkei, drop by her Yahoo Group, and join her throng of fans who get to see new photos all the time. Or you can just visit her website below.

- I just heard a new phrase the other day, and thought I'd share it with you... new term for the French = Surrender Monkeys! Sweet!

- The Sci-Fi Channel has managed to carry on with friday night line-up that is admirable in it's efforts to offer some original programming. Ben Browder's addition to the cast of Stargate SG-1, in lieu of Richard Dean Anderson, has been a decent nod to those of us who enjoyed his work on Farscape. Hey, Stargate is not Farscape, but this is better than nothing, and Browder's style of cocky banter is a good fit.

We're saddled with Stargate: Atlantis, a low rent sci-fi show that is so bad, that even I won't watch it! I think part of the problem is that it's just a diluted version of Stargate SG-1, which is now a diluted version of itself, and was a copy of the original movie to start with! I just don't need this show. To the executives at Sci-fi; stop playing it safe and take the money you're spending on Atlantis and give us something new! That doesn't mean I want The Invisible Man back either! Come on! Either spend the cash on something new, or bring us something cool from the U. K.

Then there's Battlestar Gallactica. Yes, there was an old version of this show too, but calling the new Battlestar derivative, is like saying your computer is derivative of an abacus. A couple of years ago, I dubbed Farscape the best Sci-Fi show of all time. Well, now I think we have a contender for the throne.

Gallactica is a smart blend of all the things that Farscape was- good acting and writing, great effects, humor and pathos, plus a healthy dose of sexy goodness (see Tricia Helfer below). However, Gallactica delivers something that I've only seen rarely in sci-fi, which is a drive to be very mature and relevant to a wider audience. There's no winking on this show. They play everything as straight as possible. It's like ER in space.

The cast is excellent. I'd hate to be an actor who has to share a scene with Edward James Olmos, he embodies such amazing presence that you have no choice but to be overshadowed. However, Mary McDonnel comes as close to matching him step-for-step as anyone could. James Callis, as Gaius Baltar, is fun to watch too.

The camera work and direction is first rate. Digital space battles take on a new dimension by employing a scheme that looks a lot like handheld work. The gonzo style of NYPD Blue is used in quiet scenes too, which gives this show an edge over other sci-fi shows that are not as sophisticated. The cinematography is tinged with a sepia tone and intelligent lighting that looks more like film than television. The look is top notch.

Battlestar Gallactica is good at offering some big questions too. It's routinely dealing with issues of politics and faith, as well as questions regarding sanity and humanity. This is a show that is set in another place and time, but you can see the relevance based on what is happening in this world right now.

What they don't have (yet) is that longevity that a great show must provide. Two seasons is not enough to de-throne my champion, but since Farscape had the plug pulled early, they only have to last two more years, and stay at this level to win the prize. If you're not watching Battlestar Gallactica, on Friday at 9pm, 8pm Central, on the Sci-fi channel, you're missing some great television. Period.

- There's been a long overdue update in the Den of Sin (still for adults only).

September 4, 2005

-The Beefboy would like to express my deepest sorrow for the people of Mississippi, Alabama and Louisiana, who have endured the wrath of hurricane Katrina.

I'm asking that everyone who reads my rants and enjoys them, take a couple of minutes and visit the Red Cross site, and donate a few bucks to help out our fellow Americans. Just five dollars from everyone who reads this, would amount to a lot of money.

I donated what I could afford on Friday, and it was quick and easy, and made me feel a little better this weekend. Trust me, it's worth your time.

American Red Cross

-What I'm going to talk about today is not fun and not sexy. Last Monday, we experienced the gravest natural disaster in United States history. The reaction to this tragedy is indicative of a great deal of ills that are plaguing our nation. This will not stand.

I picked up my local paper (a rag really, but still capable of delivering the broad brushstrokes of the news) and read a series of headlines that should attract the attention of anyone with only rudimentary intelligence. The headlines read, "New Orleans Surrenders", "Stampede on Bridge Kills Hundreds in Iraq", "Hurricane Death Toll Still Rising", "Fuel Price Surge Jolts Customers" and "2 Governors Declare Crisis along Borders". That's two days of headlines! TWO DAYS!!!

Meanwhile, our leaders are on vacation.

Say what you will about "working vacations" but even children know the difference between being in your office and going to the golf course with your cell phone turned on. Bush decided to come back from a five week vacation, 2 days early. Congress, came back to pass one bill that appropriates funds (Congress LOVES to spend money, you know) then resumed their vacations. And while our leaders play golf, and boat around, and play grab ass with girlfriends, American citizens are dying in the bayou, everyone in this country is paying upwards of $5.00 a gallon for gas, Iraq languishes in a leadership vacuum and illegal aliens, miscreants and terrorists waltz across our borders and laugh at our incompetence.

Our leaders have failed us.

They are demonstrating what a gaggle of frat boy fucks they really are. They're overwhelmed by real crisis and instead of changing their state of mind to deal with the very real threats we are facing, they are locked in Pygmalion ideals of a world at peace. With everything going on right now, would you like to guess what Congress has on the plate for Tuesday? Helping survivors of Katrina? No. Fixing the energy crisis? No. Iraq. No. The borders? Hell, no! Porn. Yep. Porn.

The Internet Child Protection Act of 2005 is first on the docket Tuesday morning (it's a long weekend, after all, got to get some vacation time in, those fuckers are working hard for us)! The bill proposes to raise a tax on internet porn by 25%. And of course, it's for the children. Is there any way that our leaders could possibly be more disconnected from WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!!!

After September 11th, we had a bunch of meetings and bullshit sessions that determined that we should protect our air fleet. After the subway bombings in London, we thought it would be a good idea to protect our subways. Now, after hurricane Katrina, we think responding to crisis and fixing levees is a notion that should be addressed. Why is it that our leaders refuse to deal with issues BEFORE they occur? The leadership of this country REACTS to everything but anticipates nothing. After a catastrophic failure in leadership, we mop up the mess, hold a bunch of bullshit sessions, issue some reports and knowingly stroke our beards because we've figured everything out so well. No one will be fired due to incompetence, no real change will occur and we'll be told that everything is okay.

When are we, as a country, going to tell our leaders to stop spending time passing "feel good" legislation, designed to appease a small group of people who are funding re-election campaigns, and start getting their hands dirty by dealing with the REAL FUCKING ISSUES of our day?!!!

Taking little nappies and sucking the cocks of rich contributors are not going to cut it any longer! We are officially in crisis, on about five different fronts, maybe more, and we can't afford "business as usual" mentality of the leaders of this nation. This is not about left or right. This is about right and wrong.

It's time for a revolution at the polls.

Dig it!

August 11, 2005

-When I'm Dictator of the United States, I'll fix problems right away. Like the gas problem... let's solve that today.

We start to drill in Anwar and off the coast. Offer a billion dollar reward to anyone that can create an auto engine that runs off water and can be mass produced. Build a bunch of refineries (we haven't built a gas refinery in nearly 30 years). Create a national blend of gas, instead of having individual states, or regions do different blends. Tell everyone to learn how to walk, ride a bike, or carpool to help your nation (and yourself) out. If everyone just cut down 20% on gas usage we could tell the Middle East to drown in their own oil.

What's the big deal? I just solved our gas problem in about 25 seconds! You'd think with 100 senators, 435 representatives and one two-term president, they would be capable of achieving what the Beefboy did in record time. Right?

Finally, as dictator, I'd declare that Rose McGowan had to be my girlfriend (doesn't really help with gas, but it keeps the Dictator happy and anything that makes the dictator happy, makes the people happy. Capich?)

August 10, 2005

-While the mainstream media pounds away for two months (and counting) on Natalie Holloway's disappearance in Aruba, the gift registries of the Runaway Slut, Jennifer Wilbanks, and steroid use by men who are paid exorbitant sums of money to play a child's game, the rest of this sick world is plotting our demise! Care to hear about two stories that should open every newscast, be on the top of the Drudge Report, and on the tip of every freedom-loving tongue? Here goes...

-Story One: Suitcase nukes, maybe as many as 70, but at least 12, have been smuggled over the Mexican border and planted in numerous United States cities, including New York, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Chicago, and others. Can you hear me now? According to the new book "The Al Qaeda Connection: International Terrorism, Organized Crime and the Coming Apocalypse," by Paul L. Williams, bladderless millionaire pigfucking terrorist, Osama bin Laden, plans to detonate these nukes simultaneously and create the "American Hiroshima". The best part? This shit could happen at any time and the proof is backed up by public government records. Have fun at your BBQ this weekend.

And Bush?... enjoy that vacation buddy.

-Story Two: Lawyers in the Clinton Administration blocked the efforts of a U.S. Military Intelligence unit called "Able Danger" to forward the names of four members of the September 11th, 2001 attacks to the FBI, over a year prior to the attacks! Why? Because Mohammed Atta, and the other terrorists were here legally and Clinton was still dealing with the ramifications of the Waco fiasco! Atta, who was the ringleader of the 9-11 attacks, was in our crosshairs, but once again politically correct bullshit, corruption and incompetence by our leaders, left our brothers and sisters to die needlessly.

What the fuck is it going to take for us to wake up? Do you see a connection between story one and story two? You sure as hell better see the connection! If we don't immediately deal with the mistakes of the past, the mistakes of the future will be infinitely worse. Can we afford to let everyone stream across our borders? Can we afford to let our leaders dodge responsibility? Can we afford to waste wall-to-wall media coverage on the disappearance of one girl and the peccadilloes of Jude Law?

Not just no, but FUCK NO!!! Get angry Beefanatics!!! We can't afford to fuck around any longer! Call or write your Senators and Representatives! Demand that they get to the bottom of both stories. Immediately!

August 9, 2005

-Uhmmm... I think the Beefboy warned you about the scorched earth policy that Britney Spears had on her body. I give you exhibit A and exhibit B.

-Plus, for those of you who care, here's some recent pics of Tara Reid, wasted, flashing her goodies for anyone who wants to see. Oh, and Paris Hilton is along for the ride.

 

August 8, 2005

-The lovely lady to the right is this month's inductee to the Toxic Goddess Hall of Fame, Dawn Tiffany aka The Diamond Diva Princess.

-Andy Milonakis sucks. What the hell is MTV thinking? Tell you what, "Music Television", give the Beefboy a thirty minute program and I'll teach you what real entertainment is all about.

-Speaking of real entertainment, Couch Pirate Steve loaned me season one of "The Shield". I know I'm way behind the curve on this one too, but wow, that show is unbelievable. If you're into good acting, writing, direction and the best character developement you've ever seen on television, you'll be hard pressed to find better than "The Shield"! Pardon me while I play "catch up".

-Let's talk a bit about Judge John Roberts, who's up for the vacant Supreme Court seat. All the partisan nutsacks have lined up to complain about Roberts. The hippy faction has declared him "too conservative" and complains that he's too concerned with following the intent of the Constitution (what the fuck are you supposed to do?... make some shit up?). The Jesus freaks are all upset that he took on a gay rights case, pro bono. Sounds like all the right people are pissed! I like him.

-Are you watching "Robot Chicken" on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim? It's the funniest 15 minutes on television.

-Time for a new feature... The Beefboy's Least Favored Nation Status! The first award goes to Iran. While the United States is up to it's cornhole in Iraq, we've left "negotiations" to the rest of the west, and they have come up with dick! Now Iran has decided to carry on with their nuclear weapons program. Yeah, those fuckers need nukes! Add to that, the fact that they are responsible for providing the micropenis brigade in Iraq with explosives. Finally, Iran's new leader was involved with the 1979 American embassy hostage crisis. Why is this country allowed to even exist? Fuck Iran. Hard. They like nukes? Let's give them some... warhead first.

-What is up with people who whistle? I fucking hate whistlers. Hey, if you whistle in public, you're a cocksucker of the highest order, and we all know it! Whistling is the auditory equivalent of blowing smoke in your face. Stop it!

-If you read The Beefboy Rants regularly then you should know that I'm a big geek who likes astronomy, space related stuff and NASA in particular. I'm about as close to a huge supporter as NASA is going to get. However, it's time to call bullshit and let the chips fall where they may.

Want to know the reason why the latest flight of Discovery has resulted in the shuttle fleet being grounded. Want to know the reason behind the Columbia tragedy? Your answer may be "the foam on the fuel tank," but that's not the whole story. The real story should make you as mad as the Beefboy.

The fact of the matter is that we didn't have a problem with foam, until NASA decided to switch from a foam that was freon based to a less effective foam in 1997... to be environmentally correct! That's right! Not only did they make a decision based solely on tree-hugging horseshit, but THEY KNEW IT WAS UNSAFE AFTER THE FIRST FLIGHT IN 1997!!!

That means that not only were the Columbia astronauts sacrificed to make environmentalists happy, but they sent up this current crew with the same shoddy shit, wasted two and a half years and spent 1 billion dollars trying to correct something that the Beefboy could have solved in ten minutes! Use the old foam! I'm not even an aerospace engineer!

How can you honestly justify sending astronauts into space when you know that their lives are at risk because you're trying to appease nutsack lobbyists? Everyone in charge at NASA should be removed immediately. We should use the skins from live baby seals if that's the safest method of getting our astronauts into space. Either that, or ground the shuttles forever. Space exploration is not the type of endeavor that should be run by pansies.

Dig it!

August 7, 2005

-New reviews on my Dig It! page: Cameron A'Lise Kirk's book, From the Elephant's Ear and Duvy's CD, Synthetic Hype.

July 24, 2005

-There's been a lot that's happened since we talked last. Let's start out with one of the most important stories...

-Cooter wants you to skip the new Dukes of Hazzard movie. Ben Jones, who used to play Cooter has released a diatribe on his site (everyone has a site) that reveals, "what bothers me much more is the profanity laced script with blatant sexual situations that mocks the good clean family values of our series." Now, let's put aside for a moment that Cooter doesn't rate highly on the Beefboy's Rapt Attention Meter, but "blatant sexual situations" and a "profanity laced script" sounds like a great place to start as far as I'm concerned! Maybe Cooter should go back to being irrelevant and understand that the world is a different place than it was 25 years ago when he yucked it up for a living. Besides, this reminds me of Adam West, who complained that they didn't want him to play Batman in the Tim Burton movie, 25 years after the fact! Both of you fuckers need to get over it and find a hobbie.

-I've got a new forum where you can post your thoughts. You can check that out here.

-If you haven't read my article on the Oklahoma City Bombing, maybe you should check that out, then drop by here and learn that there may be a connection between a former Green Beret and little Timmy McVeigh, plus new information (actually old information, that we just learned) has been unearthed from several Department of Justice officials who complain that the connection between Timmy and a white supremacist group, and the connection to a group of bank robbers, not only was not properly investigated, but was SQUASHED from maybe as high as the White House. Can you hear me now? It's time we wake up on this shit, because it has ramifications right now!

-With the release of the new book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, comes a new round of attacks from Christians. A New Mexico pastor recently held a book burning and claimed that it was a "masterpiece of satanic deception." I don't like the idea of burning any books at all, but if you don't like the concepts of standing up for your friends, fighting evil, studying hard to achieve your goals and struggling against your human nature, maybe Christians should steer clear of the Harry Potter books. We wouldn't want kids to read for pleasure, or learn those things anyway. Right?

-Bumper Bumpkins: "God Loves George Bush and My Pit Bull!"

-Add Jude Law to the list of nutsacks (Hugh Grant, Kobe Bryant, Brad Pitt, etc.) who have smokin' hot partners and blow it because they can't keep their dick in their drawers. Have you taken a look at Sienna Miller? Honestly, how do you cheat on that? With a nanny?

-As Michael Keaton says in Mr. Mom, "Okay, let's get into it!" It's time for the Beefboy to talk a little about religion. Want a neat way to get hordes of people to vote Republican, or call in and complain about boobies on Desperate Housewives? Just use religion. Want a steady supply of human bombs? Get a bunch of young men, keep them virgins, tell them that God wants them to kill infidels, AND if they do, they get to fuck 72 virgins in heaven.

While I respect everyone's right to practice religion as they wish (even if you're Tom Cruise and want to follow the religion of a science fiction writer, who started Scientology as a bar bet) religion is a powerful motivator and in the wrong hands is not a positive thing; it's a force for evil. Let's not underestimate the idiocy of the masses. People are fucking stupid baby! When you add religion to the mix, you can make a stupid person do crazy shit (Heaven's Gate anyone? Jim Jones anyone? David Koresh... need I go on?

So, now we get to Islam. While I am still inclined to believe that most Muslims are good people, who just want to live with the rest of the world and raise their families in peace, we need to address something. There's a serious credibility gap that is going on between those that claim that Islam is a peaceful religion that is being hijacked by radicals and the steady stream of hate speech by said radicals and terrorists.

Either Muslims are cowards because they advocate the indiscriminate killing of innocent people for political purposes, OR Muslims are cowards because they fear retribution from the radical elements and refuse to come forward and turn in radicals before they strap bombs to their body. Either way, it's not enough to just say that Islam is a religion of peace, nor is it even enough to just say that you condemn terrorist attacks (although, when is the last time you've heard that from a Muslim leader). Fuck platitudes! Now is the time for action.

The Beefboy wants to see some news stories about Muslims turning in Muslims to the FBI and to Scotland Yard. The Beefboy wants to read about "unidentified inside informants" who clean out radical speech in Muslim mosques. The Beefboy is ready to see a "Million Man March" that condemns terrorism. I'm ready to see Muslims take their religion back.

Do you think that we're too far removed from World War II to open up internment camps? Do you think that racial and religious profiling can't happen in America? Do you think that rednecks and gang members won't take matters into their own hands if the government fails to act? No one wants that, however, there's a boiling unease in this country that is slowly gaining momentum. Don't think for a second that it will take much more for our own religious zealots to start doing crazy shit over here.

If Islam is a peaceful religion, those who practice it had better wake up and take their religion back. It's good for your religion, it's good for America and it's good for the human race.

Dig it!

July 4, 2005

-Happy Independence Day America!

-New Chick of the Moment- Ann Coulter

-New Nutsack of the Moment - Dick Durbin

-Pussycat Dolls with Busta Rhymes on the Beefboy's Kinky Juke

-New! Beefboy's Kinky Pics of the Day

-New! Beefboy's Freaks of the Week