July 4, 2002

-Last week, Time magazine ran a cover article on the End of the World, as envisioned by Christians, in an article titled "Apocalypse Now." Meanwhile author and evangelist Tim Lahaye was making the talk show circuit to hawk his, and co-author Jerry Jenkins', latest book in the top selling "Left Behind" series. All this, on the eve of what is touted as terrorist nut-sack, Osama bin-Laden's, next best date for shenanigans… July 4th. With all the media attention fueling the fire, some people might spend more time buying dry goods and hiding in their storm shelter, than eating hot dogs and watching fireworks.

So, is Armageddon on the horizon? Are we living in the End of Days? Who else is more qualified to answer that question than the Beefboy? So sit back, relax, enjoy, and let the Beefboy do what the Beefboy does best… and that's break it right on down for you.

The "Left Behind" series of books sells right along pace with powerhouse Steven King, to the grand total (so far) of 32 million copies. For those of you unfamiliar with the series, it fictionalizes a series of events following the Rapture, where good little Christians are sucked up to Heaven, while all us heathens are left behind to deal with that naughty boy, the Antichrist. Basically, it takes passages from the Bible and turns it into an action adventure story, with a message; be good… or else. The "Left Behind" series sales jumped 60% after September 11.

Time Magazine refers to the 8 million hits on raptureready.com. Raptureready is a website that tracks biblical scale carnage and rates it (like we rate chicks) on an index that supposedly gives us a good idea of social upheaval that makes the Antichrist smack his lips. The rating of 182, on September 24, was well above the Webmaster's "Oh shit!" mark of 145.

Time's survey of Americans points out some interesting things as well. The majority of Americans (59%) believe that prophecies in the Book of Revelations will come true. Some people are paying more attention to news events as a sign of the Apocalypse (35%). Add to that, wars and rumors of war, floods, earthquakes, bad economies, crime, the United Nations and the prevalence of Anne Geddes shit, and you have a good case for Armageddon! It seems to the Beefboy that many Christians are spending an inordinate amount of time gearing up for the End and that some are even getting off on the idea.

With apologies to REM, if this is the End of the World as we know it, the Beefboy feels fine, baby! Despite all the hoopla surrounding September 11, we've gone a full ten months since then, AND NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. Let the Beefboy take that back, actually a lot has happened. We've kicked the dog shit out of the Taliban, upset their little dictatorial party and replaced them with a democratically elected, ethnically diverse government. We've forced Osama and the boys to hide in caves like the cockroaches they are, arrested about 500 local illegal nut sacks, and exterminated the rest of the bugs, all in time for Christmas, and with casualties on our side that you can count on your hand.

If you're looking for bad news, sure there's plenty out there, but let's look in the other direction for a moment. We're living longer more productive lives than ever in history. The advances in medicine, just in the last decade, are amazing! We mapped the human genome. We're within the ballpark for curing genetic defects and cancer. Cancer! We're getting along better than ever with the entire world, particularly with nations that matter. Russia may become one of our greatest allies. Capitalism is slowly taking a hold of China. The sum of human knowledge and communication is expanding exponentially. Our entertainment and recreation choices are vast and varied. Finally, Farscape just won a Saturn award for best Sci-Fi series and Laurie Dhue is delivering the news nightly on Fox! We're living longer, happier, healthier lives than at any point in human history. Ever.

The Beefboy is not saying that the world is perfect. We still have plenty of things going on that needs to be solved. There will be more terrorism, forest fires, wars and N-Sync CDs in our future. However, for those of you who want to cower in the corner and worry about the Apocalypse, let the Beefboy ask you this. Do you think God wants you to live your life in fear, or do you think that God wants you to simply live, and love, life? If The Final Battle occupies anything more than a passing notion to you, then guess what? Evil's already won that war.

Dig it!

-The Beefboy