January 5, 2003

Each year generates a whole new batch of nutsacks for the world and 2002 was no exception. Some 2002 nutsacks are perennial favorites, while others appear for the first time and yet they all deserve the title "Nutsack of the Year". So sit back, relax, enjoy, and let The Beefboy do, what the Beefboy does best… and that's break it right on down for you.

Nick Nolte was picked up for a driving violation and found to be under the influence of the "date rape drug". Let's face facts, if you can't even get lucky with yourself, you sir, are a nutsack.

There's always a reason to add Michael Jackson to the list of nutsacks, but MJ was particularly busy this year! Not only did he say that the anemic sales of his album was due to racism, but he also managed to put his own child in jeopardy by holding him over a rail, in front of cameras. Only a real nutsack would endanger his child for publicity. Maybe "The Self-Proclaimed King of Nutsacks" wanted to spare his progeny the embarrasment of growing up with such a loser for a father.

Pat Robertson. Nutsack.

Dennis Kozlowski, head of Tyco International, spent his company's money on artwork for his house, a $15,000 coat rack and Michelangelo ice-sculptures that peed champagne! In the year of corporate screw jobs, Dennis Kozlowski is Chief Executive Nutsack.

I don't even know the name of the new spokesman for Subway, but man is he a nutsack! What happened to Jared, or maybe Clay Henry? Now we have to put up with this smarmy steaming pile of dook every time I turn on the tube? Subway good. Nutsack bad.

The Catholic Church is a collective bunch of nutsacks for failing to cough up all the pedephile priests they knew about in the first place, and then, once they had been caught, for failing to clean house, accept responsibility, pass some draconian rules to punish the offenders and make restitution for failures in the past. Is there anything in the universe that is patently more offensive than abusing children? No. Is there ever… EVER… any excuse for such an action? No. The Catholic Church has been more slippery than Muddy Mudskipper on this issue and it's all based on fear over contributions to their coffers. Here's an equation for the Pope…
Money > Children = Nutsack

The Beefboy thinks that Winona Rider is a slinky-hot piece of meat, but that doesn't spare her from being a nutsack. Only a seriously screwed up minx would have millions in the bank and end up shoplifting from a store she could have owned outright. What it is Winona? Drugs? Boredom? Psychosis? Anger at the fact that you haven't had a decent role since "Beetlejuice"? You get the title "Nutsack Goddess of the Year."

Former Senate leader, Tom Daschel, made a short career out of obstructionist tactics aimed at stifling legislation geared towards making this country safe. Meanwhile, we had to put up with this imp's smug meandering demeanor for two years. Let's face facts, if you want to point towards one person who is responsible for the Republicans bucking history by winning in mid-term elections, look no further than elf nutsack Senator Daschel.

Almost Senate leader, Trent Lott, screwed up his chances at the top seat by making some incredibly stupid statements about crusty nugget Strom Thurmond. Let's side-step the extremely overwrought discussion of whether Lott is a racist or not (he is) and concentrate on the real issue here. After sticking his foot in his mouth, Lott was ready to agree to anything to save his career. On Black Entertainment Television he refuted every race related decision he had made for the past 20 years. Did he believe in Affirmative Action? Yes. Did he wish he'd voted for the Martin Luther King holiday? Yes. Would he be willing to give oral sex to Al Sharpton? YES! It's one thing to make a stupid statement. It's quite another thing to cave in on everything you supposedly believe in, for the purpose of keeping your cushy job. Trent Lott is not only a limp noodle, but a certified American nutsack.

"Stone Cold" Steve Austin had a banner year too. He walked out on his meal ticket in the WWE, without notice, ruining the show for fans and screwing several rising wrestling superstars out of a well-deserved push. Then he decided to repeatedly give his wife the "Stone Cold Stunner" and ran away to cry in his beer. In honor of Couch Pirate Steve, the Beefboy gives him the "Goatman Nutsack of the Year Award."

Who tries to act tough by threatening Moby at the MTV Music Awards? Eminem does. I'll tell you what, Marshall Mathers, instead of bullying bald pencil-necked vegetarian peaceniks like Moby, why don't you meet the bald carnivorous meat-train, The Beefboy, in the squared circle so I can sing "Will the real Slim Shady please stand up… please stand up… please stand up" as I repeatedly knock your bitch ass down to the canvas. Because I had to put up with seeing your punk ass every time I turned on the television and because you're basically just Vanilla Ice Version 2.0 and because you like to play tough-guy around wimps, Eminem, you win the first "Grand Nutsack of the Year" award! Wear it proudly! I'm sure those golden hairy balls will look good with the rest of your bling-bling.

Dig it!

-The Beefboy