December 26, 2004

-Here's a picture of Pamela Anderson's PETA ad for China. Apparently China provides about 40% of the fur used in fur coats, which is why PETA is trying to get past the Chinese censors and get Pam's ad on billboards. PETA has been using nudity and sex to get free press and (obviously) it's working. PETA recently had a stunt downtown from the Beefcave, which had a nude couple making out under some covers. Well whatever they are doing, they certainly have the Beefboy's attention, not that I'm going to stop wearing my leather Doc Martins or changing my eating habits. I am the BEEFboy, after all.

-The big hit of this Christmas seems to Apple's iPod. Has it occured to anyone that the iPod looks suspiciously like something your girlfriend would pack in her purse and use to get off with when you're not around (or maybe when you WERE around). I'm serious. Attach a cord and a clit stimulator that puppy and you've got fucking sex toy there Beefantatics! I'm sure that the design crew at Apple are well aware of what inspired the iPod's sexy look!

-Does anyone have any info on Holly Hellayna Hodge and her pussy art? If so, email me at: me@thebeefboy.com

-Nothing against Ryan Reynolds, but if I hear anyone else talk about how he "beefed up" for his role in Blade Trinity I'm going to start knocking heads! That guy is a fucking stick! I'm glad he got in good shape for the movie, but let's not get carried away, okay? He fights Triple H in the movie... now there's a guy who's "beefy". When Ryan Reynolds gets up to half the weight of Triple H's bowel evacuations, then call me.

-The Beefboy has also had enough of these little toy cars that run around and sound like a loud bee farting! Everyone who drives one of those plastic rides thinks they're Vin Diesel too! Well, fuck you little weasels and you're puny loud annoying cars! The Beefboy could destroy your car with one good elbow drop, so go screw yourself.

-On the other end of the spectrum are the fucking rednecks who put "balls" on their truck's trailor hitch. What kind of amazing micropenis do you have to have to give your truck "balls"? It's always someone with a dual-cab and two sets of wheels on the back axel (and of course it's got a Hemi)! Hey, Elmer! Why don't you go the plastic surgeon and look into getting that recessed member of yours looked at instead of working out your issues on the road?

Dig it!

December 8, 2004

-I'm sure that if you live in America you've seen the Old Navy Christmas ads. Well, the reason that I'm mentioning them is because that little pixie-blond that's in the ads is driving the Beefboy nuts! She's so damn cute I just want to slap a dog collar on her and spank her all night long!

-Why, oh fuck, why... is Clay Aiken on MY TELEVISION! A Christmas special? For real? You've got to be butt-fucking the Beefboy (Clay Aiken sure would like to)! Are we seriously going to let that talentless hunk of shit host a one hour special? Not on my watch pal!

-Apparently Hardees has decided to give the big fuck you finger to all the assholes out there who want you to eat tofu and smoothies, with wheatgrass! Introducing the Monster Thickburger, 1420 calories and 107 grams of fat! Yes, sweet Jesus, a meal fit for the Beefboy! For those about to gorge, I salute you!

-George Carlin flipped out in Vegas the other day. Carlin is a hero of the Beefboy's but he's getting cranky in his old age.. not that I have a problem with that!

-I don't do this often, but I want to shamelessly promote someone who deserves some more attention. I met Duvy online not too long ago and I'm impressed with her music and her desire to get her work out there. Since you're going to be spending all your paychecks on shit for other people this Christmas, why not send some money to someone who will not only appreciate it, but will use it to do more work? Check out the link below and tell her the Beefboy sent you! Dig it!

 

November 26, 2004

-Tammy wrote to point out that not only did recent Nutsack of the Moment Dan Rather resign, but also that Nutsack of the Moment Kojo has liver problems! While I don't neccessarily want to wish death on (most) of the Nutsacks of the Moment, I have to wonder if my nominations have some sort of negative karmic effect on the nominees. I'd like to think so. Let's hope the trend continues for the latest Nutsack, Bob Jones III.

November 25, 2004

-Happy Thanksgiving Beefanatics! Check out my feature article to see all the things I'm thankful for in 2004!

November 17, 2004

-Put this in your file of reasons why the French suck balls. Apparently some French officials are considering naming streets after Yassir Arafat! Let’s put aside the fact that Arafat was not French… why the fuck would you want to honor a terrorist by giving him a street?!!! How about Hitler Avenue, Frenchies? Pol Pot Park? Osama bin Laden’s Opera House? Shit, the French could honor every monumental cocksucker throughout history… and they can start with their own Jacques Chirac!

-The Beefboy is really sorry to see Colin Powell leave Bush’s cabinet. I think Powell is an honorable man, and a brilliant diplomat. Besides, Powell seems to be the only person with direct access to Bush, who is willing to tell him “no.” With Powell leaving there’s nothing but yes-men on the cabinet, and that’s dangerous.

I’ve already expressed my opinion on Condoleeza Rice; I think she’s very sharp and cool under pressure. She’s an excellent choice for Secretary of State and will serve us well as the nation’s face of diplomacy.

-We’re into the second day of press on the U.S. soldier in Iraq who shot an insurgent in front of an imbedded NBC reporter. Did the Beefboy miss something? Am I to understand that shooting an insurgent is somehow a BAD thing? Maybe our soldier should have offered our enemy some candy, give him a backrub and set him up with some chicks! Man, we are really treating our enemy wrong over there! If they try to kill us, we should just fucking lay down our arms, strip naked and run in front of their fire!

What the fuck is going on here?!!! If anything, shooting that fucker is the least that should have been done! Hello! Is anyone out there? Is this thing on? WE’RE IN A WAR! Does anyone understand what that means? It means that we kill people and break things OR THEY DO THAT TO US! Get it? We’re not playing fucking Nintendo here kids! When you’ve been fighting in a hot city for over a week, where every second some nutsack could attack you from any direction, and you’re going from room to room to clear a safe path, anyone alive is a potential threat! Someone pretending to be dead could have a bomb or a gun and be waiting to use it on you (that happened a day earlier in the same unit). Am I really supposed to shed a tear over greasing some dirtbag who was shooting at my brothers and sisters 24 hours earlier? Not just no, but FUCK NO! Frankly, I would have dropped a nuke on Falluja long ago. Now’s who’s heartless?

November 14, 2004

-I've been busy this week... but Holy Nuts Ahoy! Are you shitting the Beefboy? Yassir Arafat dies, John Ashcroft resigns and Tara Reid shows a puppy all in one week? Is it the Beefboy's birthday, or what? Okay, so Rose McGowan hasn't become my sex slave yet (yet!) but I'm not sure if the last week could have been better.

Yassir Arafat screwed the pooch... kicked the bucket... bit the dust... bought a pine condo... had a retroactive abortion... and generally made the world a better place, merely by dying. The Beefboy heard way too much sympathy for this terrorist in the news. If you're into old school terrorism or like to celebrate the "father" of suicide bombings go ahead, but the Beefboy will be glad to dance a little jig and give a short and simple eulogy: "Rot. In. Hell." Another good thing about Arafat dying is watching all the solipsistic nutsacks fight over his position. Hopefully we're in for some more good dyin'.

John Ashcroft has left the building? As if Arafat eternally sucking Satan's wienie isn't enough to put a week in the history books, Ashcroft getting out of my life would still be the story of the year! A perennial "Nutsack of the Moment" winner, from having nude statues covered because it offended his puritanical sensibilities (or more likely gave him embarrassing wood), to actually lobbying to EXPAND the powers of the Patriot Act with the worst sequel idea since Grease 2! Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Finally, hello and thanks to all the new visitors to the Beefboy Rants! Apparently Tara Reid sporting skin is a big deal to a lot of people out there. I haven't had this many hits in one week, ever! Thanks guys... and keep coming back... and tell your friends... and start a club. Thanks again.

Benny in Kuwait (thanks again Benny) sent me a link to another site that you guys need to check out. They have a bit on Tara Reid that confirms what I suspected, which is Reid got Franken-nipple when she got the job on her tits! Why, oh why, would a chick who looks like Tara Reid mangle her melons? What a shame. Check out Awful Plastic Surgery to get the scoop on Tara and many, many other stars who go too far.

-Nothing personal, but the Beefboy has been inundated with ads about Josh Grobin for the past six months. Someone out there wants to shove Grobin up our collective noses. Pardon me for not knowing before now, but I just heard Josh Grobin on the American Music Awards and he fucking sucks! No. Really. He sucks so bad that he might need a ball gag to keep all the penis out of his mouth that deserves to be in there. I've owned dogs that wail better than that nutsack.

Dig it!

 

November 6, 2004

Update!

-Hey baby! Look at that! Ask and ye shall receive. I posted the request for a picture of Tara Reid's nipple slip/wardrobe malfunction at P Diddy's birthday party, and once again Oversoul came through for the Beefboy and the Beefanatics! Thanks Oversoul!

 

November 6, 2004

-Tara Reid had a wardrobe malfunction which resulted in a nipple-slip at P Diddy's 35th birthday party. I've looked all over the place for an uncensored picture for all the Beefanatics, but I haven't had much success so far. If one of you out there gets a hold of an uncensored pic of Tara Reid, then send it my way and I'll post it.

me@thebeefboy.com

November 5, 2004

The Beefboy's Election Wrap-Up

-The longest election in human history is over! Whoo-hoo!!! I would have been glad to see Pol Pot and Corey Feldman win the election, just to have that fucker over with! We spend way too much time and way too much money to elect our President.

-Here's why I don't usually make predictions... two months ago I warned everyone to watch out for terrorist attacks. I also wrote that I'd be glad and relieved to write that I was wrong. Well, I was wrong. A good indicator was when Osama bin Laden sent us a neat little tape, instead of a bomb. That micro-penis, bladderless, goat-fucking nutsack, bin Laden, would never let words do his talking, UNLESS HE HAD TO. What does this mean? Looks like we've casterated that soulless cock-sucking sissy. He had zero effect on our election and his most dire enemy just got four more years in the White House. Hey bin Laden... SUCK MY BALLS!

-The Dems have got to get their act together. I wrote a little ditty two years ago during the Mid-Term Elections. I told the donkeys to dump the dead weight and find a new idea man. What they gave us was John F. Kerry. The last time a senator won the presidency was in 1960, and that dude's name was Kennedy, and John Kerry is no John Kennedy. In fact, Kerry is not even Ted Kennedy. If you are a card-carrying Democrat you should be fucking mad as hell... not because you lost, but because a monkey with a boner would have had more discriminating tastes than the choice you guys made. Bush was ripe to be defeated. Someone with even a modicum of guts and charisma could have beat the pants off that guy.

I told you guys to lose the dead weight and specifically mentioned Tom Daschle. Looks like that decision was made for you! His ass is gone. Good riddance. That nutsack will not be missed. Now clean house on Terry McAuliffe and you've got a good start on 2008.

And hey; if you're seriously thinking about running Hillary Clinton for President... I'll be glad to give you the same advice for 2012, because this nation will never elect that bitch as President.

-Don't think for a second that I'm letting the Republicans get away without a Smackdown! I've been hearing some spinmeisters say that Bush has a "mandate". A mandate? Are you shitting me? There's only 3.5 million votes that seperated Bush and Kerry nationwide. That's less that three percent. Reagan won 49 states. THAT'S a mandate. The word you're looking for is-LUCKY.

The Beefboy is not looking forward to expanded powers of the Patriot Act, more FCC regulations, Pat Robertson as our Morality Czar and spanking new Supreme Court Justices who believe that women bodies should be subject to judicial review. Senator Arlen Specter, an unlikely savior, may actually come to the rescue in regards to the Supreme Court.

...And you think we're through with military action? Watch out for Syria. The Beefboy has been hearing the type of buzz we got before Iraq, directed squarely toward Syria. Either Bush has a mad-on for force, or he's bluffing to get Syria to cough up WMD's and terrorist nutsacks. I agree that Syria is a wretched hive of scum and villany, but we must be cautious.

 

-Since everyone likes really really long campaigns, I'm officially nominating two of the Beefboy's favorite people for 2008. The Beefboy's Presidential Nominee is Penn Jillette, of Penn and Teller fame. If you've been watching Bullshit, or following this guy's interviews, then you know he's into smaller government, civil freedom and calling people on hypocrisy... he's the perfect President, as far as the Beefboy is concerned!

My nominee for Vice President is Julie Strain! Julie is easily one of the two most beautiful women on the planet (the other is Rose McGowan). She's sassy, whipsmart, driven and hot... let's not forget hot. Veeps don't usually do much over their four years in office, we can change that with Julie! Can you give me a better person to send on diplomatic missions? Julie could charm the pants off the world's leaders (literally) and break down barriers like never before. That little pervert Kim Jong Il would break his little legs to get a sit-down with Julie. Let's put some real power in the White House!

October 28, 2004

-We're only a few days away from the election and I just wrote the most important article on this site! Please check out my new feature article and take it with you to the ballot box!

October 25, 2004

-Thanks to Benny in Iraq for sending the Beefboy that sweet pic of Gigi Edgley!

-It’s hard to pick on little Ashlee Simpson… oh fuck it, let’s do it anyway! Ashlee Simpson was caught doing Milli Vanilli on Saturday Night Live this weekend. She exited the stage after being embarrassed by a mis-cued tape that had her “singing” when she had the microphone at her waist! This is what happens when dancing takes on as much importance as singing. This is what happens when the way you look is MORE important than the way you sing. When MTV played “Video Killed the Radio Star” as their first offering, they prophesized all of this. 13 year old girls drive the music business right now, so don’t be shocked when Ashlee (or Jessica, or Madonna, or Britney, or Christina, or any other pop star) is caught with her pants down on live TV (in fact, that doesn’t sound so bad to the Beefboy). Here’s some advice. You sing. We dance. Try that for a while.

-ABC has dropped the Miss America Pageant from its line-up. Does anyone really care? At all? Miss America has been operating under the obfuscation of it’s own hypocrisy for a long time now. On one hand we’re judging a bunch of women on their looks. On the other hand, Miss America pretends that we’re not doing that. Meanwhile, they drop the “talent” competition in favor of lengthier fluff segments like the bikini competition.

Look, Miss America has outlived its time. Back in the fifties, guys would watch that show to get off on those “All-American” girls. That was long, long before Victoria’s Secret, Internet porn and jacking off to Laurie Dhue on Fox News. We don’t need Miss America any more. If you’re looking for the All-American girl she’s not in that competition-she’s in college, or at a Reverend Horton Heat concert, or playing video games, or skateboarding, or doing anything besides learning how to wave like she’s screwing in a light bulb.

Either drop the pretense that Miss America is anything more than a G-Rated skin show, and let Vince McMahon produce it, or let that old dog die. And for all you contestants who contend that your vying for scholarships… why don’t you do what everyone else does, and just make good grades?

-Finally, the Beefboy is going to leave you with a picture of the girls at the new Hooters in China. If anything is going to defeat communism, it’s going to be places like this! As far as the Beefboy is concerned, freedom comes wrapped in a tight belly shirt and orange hot pants!

 

October 20, 2004

-Here's the weeping crag who was voted the world's scariest surgery! Don't say the Beefboy never gave you anything. Yeah, that's a good look lady... if you're going for a cross between Jay Leno, Zsa Zsa Gabor and a steaming pile of shit!

-The Beefboy has had enough of the attack ads for candidates. It’s advertising by fucktards, for fucktards. Let me give you an example of how these ads run.

Round One

• Candidate A is great and Candidate B sucks. Vote for Canidate A.
• Candidate B is neat and Candidate A is rotten. Vote for Candidate B.

Round Two

• Candidate B is a crook, he steals from the taxpayers and laughs all the way to the bank. Vote for Candidate A.
• Candidate A is a liar, he’d lie to his own Grandmother to get elected. Vote for Candidate B.

Round Three

• Candidate B hates America and would like to see your children burn in flames, in fact, he owns matches. How can you possibly vote for someone like Candidate B? Vote for Candidate A.
• Candidate A likes to fuck young boys AND he’s a liberal. Dangerously liberal! A vote for Candidate A is a vote for Satan. Vote for Candidate B.

The problem is - this is not much of an exaggeration! The real ads are laughable at best and dangerous to our democracy at worst. No one should be getting information from 30 second attack ads, but it’s clear that some nutsacks actually pay attention to these ads and are influenced by them. Clearly, these voters should be put in “re-education” camps until after the election for their own safety, and ours. The camp should have round-the-clock speaker rants with James Carville and Rush Limbaugh until those voters beg to go online, or read a paper, to get the facts!

Dig it!

October 14, 2004

-Farscape returns this weekend after an uncertain absence. I’ll be glad to see Gigi Edgley, Ben Browder and the rest of that gang, back in leather one last time to wrap things up! In fact, I’m so happy to see them back that Gigi is the Beefboy’s Chick of the Moment! Look, if you’ve got one of those Nielsen Ratings Boxes on your tube, would you do the Beefboy a favor and tune it in on Sci-Fi, Sunday night. I don’t care if you turn it on and go work on your garden, or sex-up your wife, or whatever… I just need that show to have some good ratings! Get it? Thanks.

-Can we please just have this election already? The Beefboy has never seen a longer or more vindictive campaign. Ever. I think they started this campaign the last time that Jeff Foxworthy had an original joke.

• “If you’ve had the same routine for over twenty years… you might be a washed-up comedian.”
• “If your mullet hair style was invented in Kentucky during the Reagan Era… you might be a washed up comedian.”
• “If you’re on a show with three other guys who have cloned your act… you might be a washed-up comedian.”

I’m tired of watching euphemistic duplicitous ads by politicians; it’s time to give back euphemistic duplicitous ad time to car and furniture salesmen.

-Looks like old ECW alum New Jack is in a bit of trouble after assaulting another wrestler DURING A MATCH! First off, New Jack is quite possibly the shittiest wrestler on the planet… and yes, that means he sucks more than Lex Luger AND Giant Gonzalez… COMBINED! So, if you’re familiar with New Jack’s “style” then you won’t be surprised to learn that he got pissed during a hardcore match and went from working stiff, to criminal assault in about two nanoseconds! He’s under arrest and the wrestling world will have to try and overcome the loss of a legend.

Okay we’re over it.

October 10, 2004

-I just got through posting all the previous articles that I wrote over the past few years. One thing I'm struck by is how well my thoughts have stood up to the test of time. Some articles have taken on even greater relevance since I wrote them. My article on the war in Iraq, written while most people were asking if we were building up troops, turned out to be an almost prophetic prediction of what was to come (plus a good indicator on what is still being hidden from us). If Bush had been reading the Beefboy's articles I could have saved him (and the U.S. populace) a great deal of agony over the past year and a half!

I made the conscious decision to write fewer articles so that I could get on here more often. I like the random blog-like rants more than the old-school op-ed pieces of the Feature Articles. However, I also like doing a little more research and giving you a complete thought from time-to-time, so expect me to do articles more often in the year ahead. Until then, feel free to read my thought on the past few years.

October 8, 2004

-This is the tale of two islands. One island, known as Survivor is a perennial ratings hog and the pinnacle of the reality show movement. The other island is Lost, a new show by two hot producers that is gaining momentum. One show you should watch, the other... well... I'll let you decide.

The funny thing about Survivor is, the same people who will bitch at you for liking sports, will gather around the television once a week, hold betting pools for the winner and purchase "buffs" of their favorite team-all for the purpose of watching a contest. I've seen Survivor fans talk seriously about "strategy" and who's sleeping with the enemy. Survivor fans have become the new Trekkies; I'll call them Survivies. Their obsession with a program that is a recipe comprised of a game show, a soap-opera and liberally sprinkled with irrelevance, is a bitter concoction consumed with hypocrisy.

On the other hand, Lost is a gem in a sea of rocks. Lost is brought to us by J. J. Abrams (Alias) and Damon Lindelof (Crossing Jordan), two of the hottest producers in television. Lost is a slick production all around. The concept and delivery are first rate. The Beefboy dares you to watch an episode and not get hooked on the kaleidoscope cast, their predicament and the mysterious sounds in the jungle.

Lost uses old concepts some of us call "writing" and "directing" and "acting", that youngsters may not be aware of. You see, Lost is a piece of art. Art can challenge you in ways that game shows can't (much like reading a book can take you places that video games won't). Art, done well, is a life-affirming experience. So far, Lost is delivering on that front, while Survivor is... well, Survivor is just a game show. Now, if you want to be one of the Survivies, fine, by all means enjoy your television show, but don't carp at the Beefboy when he watches College Gameday with the boys. Dig it!

October 1, 2004

-The Beefboy watched the first debate last night and I have a few thoughts on the subject. While I tend to agree with Bush on foreign policy and Iraq, I thought Kerry won the debate. Bush stammered too much and looked like Michael Jackson after an all-night sleepover. The Beefboy hated the format. Why even have an audience if you’re going to silence them? Why even have a debate if you’re going to suck the air out and force the master-debaters to only talk to the moderator? We could have had Pixar render last night’s gig (we basically got Woody versus Buzz Lightyear anyway)!

Let’s stop with all the rules and wrangling and let these two dust each other up! We’re not running a beauty contest here, this if for the fucking Presidency! If someone’s feelings get hurt, then get over it! We deserve to see a brawl; last night’s antiseptic sissy-slapping affair is just not going to cut it.

-Have you seen the new Burger King commercials? Look, if the Burger King wants to bring the Beefboy breakfast in bed, I’m down with that, but once he delivers that fat sammich to my paws he needs to get the fuck out! We’re not going to sit around in bed, wax romantic and glad-hand each other all morning. Besides, that guy is a little creepy. No one smiles all the fucking time except for Nancy Pelosi and the Joker, neither of which I want in my bed. Dig it!

September 27, 2004

-Did you happen to see Sharon Stone at the Emmy's? She took the saucy wench award for the evening, as far as the Beefboy is concerned. According to this story, Sharon, who is 46 years old, is looking for 22-39 year old "boy toys" to date. Hey Sharon, the Beefboy is the boy toy you're looking for honey!

-Congratulations to CBS News, arguably the network with the richest news history, and to 60 Minutes, the jewel in their crown, who managed with one trip to Kinko’s to flush all credibility into the sewer! After spending the summer filled with biased book reports and hammering the President on the same issue time and time again, they finally ended up using forged papers to play “gotcha”-once too often. Either fire Dan Rather AND all the nutsacks involved in that story, or you might as well have Carrot Top as your Washington correspondent and regularly feature nude showgirls in your “Eye on America” segment.

-While visiting my local Wal Mart, the Beefboy spied a sign that really imparted some wisdom. The sign read, “Shoplifting is Stealing.” Really? Wow. I never would have guessed that. Thank you Wal Mart, you big corporate bundle of joy, for clearing up that issue for me and all the other shoppers in the land. Without you, shoplifters would think they weren’t stealing. Maybe the executives at Wal Mart could come up with some other signs that we could hang elsewhere, like “Murder is Killing” in Detroit, or "Ashcroft is Impotent" in Washington D.C.

-Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow was a blast! It was just an old fashioned fun movie and visually it was brilliant. Angelina Jolie in that leather outfit, with an eye patch to boot, is the organic equivalent of Viagra.

-I also had the opportunity to see the documentary that comes with the Star Wars Trilogy DVD boxed set. I couldn't stop laughing when I saw Cindy Williams doing lines from Star Wars on the casting couch! The documentary really played up all the adversity that Lucas went through to get those first three films out and it certainly paints a picture of the small guy getting the best of big corporate nutsacks. Even if you don't like Star Wars, but do enjoy seeing how films are done, the Star Wars documentary tells an interesting behind the scenes story. I imagine that a lot of film schools will be showing this DVD next year.

September 13, 2004

-Let's talk a bit about flicks. Am I the only guy out here who is excited about Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow? People don't seem to get it. It's retro-future bitch! Get on the bandwagon! (Hey, don't listen to me. I was looking forward to Underworld and that sucked balls.)

-Next Tuesday is the release of the new Star Wars Trilogy DVDs. We haven't seen these films in several years and George Lucas is still fucking with them. The new DVDs have even more tweaks and changes than Michael Jackson's face. For example, Jabba's scene with Han in Star Wars has been totally reworked, Hayden Christianson has been added to the end of Return of the Jedi and the Emperor is now played by Ian McDiarmid (the dude from Episodes one through three). There's a lot of very in-depth reporting on the changes here.

Okay, okay, so Greedo still shoots first... look, these films are Lucas' work and if he wants it that way, then fine. I've made my peace with Lucas. The other changes and all the stuff that was changed previously makes the films more cohesive, if nothing else, and Cloud City is twice the swinging joint it was originally. Do you really want to debate the artistic ethics of tinkering with your work over a thirty year period? George Lucas will be remembered for these six films, no matter what he does from now on. Lucas could fuck Britney Spears during the halftime show of the Superbowl and he'd still just be the guy who gave us Nerf Herders.

Star Wars was always an effects film and Lucas has managed to keep it state-of-the-art for another couple of decades. However, if you think you're getting the final FINAL version, you're just fooling yourself. Buy at your own risk. The Beefboy guarantees you that he's not done yet.

-Finally, I'm going to leave you with a few pictures of Miss Universe, Jennifer Hawkins, who lost her skirt during a fashion show in Australia. Not a bad ass, but kind of flat, wouldn't you say?

 

September 9, 2004

-Why does Arby’s have an oven mitt (named Oven Mitt) for a spokesman? Fuck Oven Mitt! And Mini-Mitt too! Those commercials are not funny in the slightest and they send the wrong message to boot. Arby’s is not McDonalds. Arby’s is an adult fast food joint; they have positioned themselves in that market for over a decade. Just show the food for fucks sake! The Madison Avenue “dream team” that came up with this campaign should stop making commercials immediately and assume fry duty at the local Arby’s.

-Russian President Vladimir Putin has pledged to begin pre-emptive strikes on terrorist bases. "We will take all measures to liquidate terrorist bases in any region of the world," he said. Well, in the words of John McClain from Die Hard, “Welcome to the party, pal!” Once again, the United States lead and other nations follow. Russia wasn’t talking this way before the school tragedy. September 11 wasn’t just a wake-up call for America, it was a clanging garbage can for the entire world. Continue sleeping at your own risk.

-Speaking of waking-up, we’re in the beginning of what the Beefboy considers to be the most threatening period since September 11, 2001. Several months ago, terrorists had a successful attack in Spain. The subsequent election was unnaturally influenced by that attack. Terrorists are like Pavlov’s dogs; if you “reward” them once, they will continue to salivate whether there is meat there or not (and shame of Spain for setting that precedent). We’re rapidly approaching the September 11 anniversary, followed by a two-month period prior to the United States elections. My theory is that terrorists consider timing to be paramount in their priorities and that this period of time is very attractive to al-Queda. I hope that I’m wrong on this. I hope that we have made the changes necessary to catch terrorist nutsacks before they succeed; the Beefboy’s sympathy and support is with the FBI and CIA operatives, and the soldiers in the sand, who are racing an invisible clock. What the rest of us can do is STAY AWAKE and keep our eyes open for any activity that looks out of place over the next two months. I’d like to be writing that my prediction was wrong on November 3rd.

September 3, 2004

-Right after telling you that Charlize Theron is in an Aeon Flux movie (she's lost weight and dyed her hair for the role), she goes off and gets injured during the filming. Here’s to her speedy recovery. If she needs help, the Beefboy will be glad to show her some TLC. Am I the only one here who would like to see what that costume looks like on her?

- What kind of outrageous piece of dung do you have to be to break into a school and take kids hostage? Those fucking nutsack Chechen terrorists who strapped bombs to themselves and holed-up in a Russian school deserve anything, and the Beefboy means ANYTHING, that comes their way. I don’t care what debased medieval torturous construct you can come up with, it’s not enough to pay those terrorists back. Fuck them. I pray that some really sick and deranged ex-KGB agent gets to spend tons of quality time with those fuckers. It should be on pay-per-view with the proceeds to go to the families they ruined. Dig it!

-Did you catch that quivering chin and tearful eyes last night, when Bush talked about the stories he heard from the 9-11 families? That shit will win elections folks.

September 2, 2004

Scott Baio's Rogues Gallery

-Ladies, can you help the Beefboy out a little? Last week I saw Scott Baio making the talk show circuit to hawk SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2, his latest starring vehicle. What was that?… Scott Baio hasn’t been in anything since Happy Days – three decades ago? Well, he was in The Bread, My Sweet, in 2001. I rest my case. So anyway, Scott The Bread, My Sweet Baio, has dated a plethora of Hollywood’s most desirable women of the moment (Pamela Anderson, Brooke Shields, Erika Elaniak, Nicole Eggert, Natalie Raitano (man, the Beefboy loves Natalie Raitano), Nicolette Sheridan and Heather Locklear, among others).

Here’s the question for the ladies in the audience: What the fuck?!! I mean, even Corey Feldman gets outrageously hot chicks because he used to be in movies, but those are not NAME chicks; they’re just hot anonymous chicks who want to latch on to a celebrity. But if you’re Scott fucking Baio, and you haven’t been a blip on anyone’s radar since playing Chachi, how the shit do you date hot “It Chicks” for a quarter of a century?

How does that rap go? “Hi, my name’s Scott Baio. Maybe you’ve heard of me. I used to play a little kid on Happy Days, three fucking decades ago. I’ve hit a bit of a dry spell, but my production company is really working on some great stuff like…. My Bread, My Sweet… I realize that you’re the hottest piece of ass in Hollywood right now, but I think it would really help your career if we went home and fucked on a regular basis.”

I mean, I don’t hear about Neil “Doogie” Patrick “Houser” Harris dating hot chicks. So ladies… what the fuck?!

- As I was doing research for my new DVD Review of Dark Fury: The Chronicles of Riddick, I found out they are doing a live version of Aeon Flux with Charlize Theron in the title role. Dig it!

September 1, 2004

-This little rant of mine was originally focused on Quentin Tarantino, who’s a favorite director of the Beefboy’s. But after some research, I shifted the blame to Miramax and Hollywood in general. The Beefboy went to see Hero this last weekend. Hero, a Hong Kong martial arts flick by Zhang Yimou, is marketed as “Quentin Tarantino Presents” in all the television ads.

Before I get to the rant, let me say that I really enjoyed Hero. It’s a beautiful film, full of ass-kicking fantasy-style martial arts, incredible cinematography and brilliant costume design. The director, Zhang Yimou, balances amazing epic visuals with solid intimate acting moments. By all means, if you enjoy this type of film, go see it, but don’t go see it because Quentin Tarantino’s name is in the ads.

When you say “Quentin Tarantino Presents”, I assume that he had some producing credit on the film, or at the very least is responsible for distribution in the United States. Wrong. He has absolutely nothing to do with the film. Nothing. Miramax, the United States distributor of Hero, was wavering on whether to even distribute the film at all, and if they did, wanted to release it with 20 minutes cut out of the film (like they did in Europe). According to Miramax, Hero was "too Asian and confusing" for western audiences. So, Tarantino stepped in and offered to put his name on the ads if they would distribute the uncut version of the film. Obviously, the ploy worked, because Hero topped the box office last weekend and set an opening record for Asian films released in the United States.

The Beefboy’s gripe is that putting Tarantino’s name in the ads is duplicitous. I give credit to Tarantino for doing what he can to correct the studio’s misguided notion that American audiences can’t sit through another twenty minutes of footage, but this shouldn’t have been an issue in the first place. Anyone who is going to pay to see a Hong Kong martial arts movie, is savvy enough to understand the complexities of plot and the differences in cultural references. In fact, that’s one of the main reasons to see a foreign film – because they’re not made to entertain television’s lobotomized NASCAR zombies.

Furthermore, by putting Tarantino’s name on those ads, you’ve tricked some NASCAR zombies into seeing a film that they wouldn’t be caught dead in (pun intended). The Beefboy overheard some guy who said, “Ya’ mean this movie’s got them damn words runnin’ along the bottom?” No shit, cornpone. Do you think that guy is going to rush out to see the next film by Quentin Tarantino?

Finally, you’ve set a dangerous precedent for future movies that are seeking greater box office. If you can put anyone’s name on a film as “Presented By…”, merely because they’ve seen the fucking film and enjoy it, then you’ve opened up Pandora’s Box. Those of us who go see movies because a particular Director/Writer/Producer are involved, will be far more suspect, and that’s eventually going to hurt your precious box office. Good movies will find their audience without Hollywood patting us on the head and treating us like infants.

- Since the Beefboy is such a wordy bitch today, I'll leave you with one more note. Rush Limbaugh had George W. Bush on his show today. After the interview Rush stated that he didn’t ask questions to make Bush look good. The notion that Rush is unbiased is patently absurd. Frankly, having Rush “interview” Bush is a lot like having Pat Robertson interview Jesus – we all know there’s a lot of schlong-sucking going on there.

August 29, 2004

- The Beefboy has heard the words "Viet Nam" way too fucking many times in the past few months. Hey, to those who served during that war, kudos to you and thanks for your service. But, it's OVER! That was three decades ago! Who cares? Am I to believe that we don't have enough going on right now that we need to re-visit that old chestnut of division?

The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth (SBVT) started all this with their book Unfit for Command and their ad that was run in several states. The real truth is that these guys were chapped when John Kerry returned from Viet Nam and trashed them after the war. Fine. Say that. This mastabatory histrionics, where the SBVT try to pick apart everything that Kerry did during his brief 4 month stint in Viet Nam, is asinine and irrelevant. I can tell you that he spent four more months in Viet Nam than Bush did. Kerry has twenty years of public service AFTER Viet Nam that is ripe for the picking dudes! How about we concentrate on that?

Yes, Kerry could be blamed for using Viet Nam as a platform to be Commander in Chief. Fine. Say that. The Beefboy also has a bone to pick with Kerry and it's his desire to have the publisher pull Unfit for Command from the shelves (more). He claims that it is full of lies. Well, Mr. Kerry, we don't ban books in this country. If it's full of lies, tell your side of the story, or better yet sue them for libel. Yep, call up one of your lawyer buddies and have him file a lawsuit.

Kerry also wants the SBVT ad to be pulled off the airwaves and demanded that Bush call for that action (which Bush did... what a wimp!). I don't remember Bush calling for Fahrenheit 911 to be pulled from theaters, or demanding that Kerry call for that action, despite the debate on the veracity of that film.

We live in a country, where people are allowed to say some scurrilous stuff about public figures (I sure do). It's a vital part of the free society model. If you don't like what someone has to say, then set the record straight. The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth have every right to put their side of the story in a book (irrelevant though it may be). Michael Moore can trash Bush for 2 hours in a film. Isn't this country great?! Asking (or demanding) that information be silenced is about as un-American as you can get; defending yourself against those attacks is a high test of being a true American.

 

August 17, 2004

- I’m sorry. I just can’t get it up for the Olympics. Literally. Beach volleyball is working for me… I mean, tall hot chicks in hypertight outfits, and the bikini dancers… how could you go wrong! But even beach volleyball won't save the Olympics for the Beefboy. Tell you what, when they get skateboarding, professional wrestling and poker in the Olympics; I’m in!

- If you've been waiting anxiously for the first issue of the Beefboy's Funky News, you won't have to wait much longer. I've had a ton of stuff to do, but I'm definately sending out the first issue next week. That means if you haven't signed up, it's not too late to get the Funky News and some additional commentary by the Beefboy. Don't be the only kid on your block that doesn't get that sweet email from the Beefboy. Dig it!

August 10, 2004

-Hey, it’s time to introduce Muqtada al-Sadr’s brain pan to two 5.56mm x 45 Ball Subsonic Whisperload rounds. This gap-toothed Iraqi cleric is an enemy of peace, a flaming nutsack, and I suspect that he smells like crusty camel giblets. And for God's sake, cut the tips of those rounds so it gets messy.

-The GOP must have hired Indiana Jones to dig up Alan Keyes’ fossil; smells like desperation. After the Jack Ryan fiasco the Republican’s have been trying to find someone… ANYONE, to run against Illinois native Barack Obama. So, they tap Keyes, a Maryland resident, to vie for the Senatorial seat. With all the coronation press Obama is getting, and the fact that Keyes is such a brazen carpetbagger, the Beefboy predicts that Keyes will get trounced in the election, and rightly so. If you can’t find a black man to run for your party in Illinois, you deserve to lose. Then again, the Dems ran Hilary Clinton for Senate 4 years ago and she won. I just can’t understand why people would vote for someone who decides to live in your state just because a sweet cushy Senate job opens up.

-The Beefboy has conflicting opinions on inviting foreign agencies to observe our elections. On one hand, I believe we have the finest elections in the world. Sure, we have our problems, but I think they are isolated and that the days of malicious disenfranchisement are long gone (I know, you Democrat Kool-Aid drinkers have issues with that statement, but you need to sniff the fine bouquet of reality). If by allowing the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe (OSCE) to view our elections, we can demonstrate how to conduct a proper election to the world and assuage the nut jobs in our own lands, then I’m all for it.

On the other hand, the Beefboy is a huge proponent of United States sovereignty. We should neither seek, nor accept, foreign powers permission for anything. Please come check out our elections, by all means make a suggestion or two on how we could improve them, but don't think for a minute that we're going to bow to world political pressure, or change something just because you get a burr up your ass! I'll be damned if I'm going to let some milquetoast French wonderfag politician decide the fate of my great country. Dig it!

August 6, 2004

Uhmm… when are we going to wake up about our borders? Hello?… Anyone out there? We’re letting any nutsack with a gallon of water and a northern directional sense to stream through our border like chicks through Kobe’s bedroom! Forget about the implications of allowing aliens to suck off the fat of the land without paying tax dollars, or the crime issues, or the cultural disaster. Ever heard of al Qaeda? Think we might want to stop some of those fucks from waltzing into our country? The Beefboy sure as hell thinks so!

If you heard the story about Farida Goolam Mahomed Ahmed, the suspected terrorist who we caught on the border with big cash and a ticket to New York, then that should have been a clarion call to close our borders down NOW! I’m not just talking about our southern border either, we have plenty of boneheads coming through Canada too (and I’m not talking about Rick Moranis).

I could talk endlessly about this subject (and may do a special report in the future), but for right now let the Beefboy point you in two directions. Congressman Tom Tancredo from Colorado is all over this subject and he needs your support and your attention. Visit Tom Tancredo here. Next, John and Ken are two talk show hosts out of Los Angeles that are also very aware of our swiss-cheese borders and you can visit their site here.

 

• If you haven't seen the movie (read the book, whatever) you can't comment on the content or craft of the work. Period.
• If you're a hardcore conservative you don't get to talk about art. Period.

I hope these two rules help.

June 26, 2004

-I know what a vampire feels like when The Hunger consumes you and each moment becomes an infinite lifetime until you feed again. I’m a caffiene junkie. When I got that first cup of java this morning it tasted SO good that it was almost nirvana. Everything was incredibly right about this morning’s fix. The right amount of cream, the temperature, the flavor of those lovely little ground up beans… ahhh… sweet cup of Joe!

-Heard about space hottie Jeri Ryan and Jack Ryan ex-Republican congressional nominee and ex-husband? Apparently they were going to wild sex clubs in New York, New Orleans and Paris, and Jack wanted his wife to have sex in front of the other partiers, despite the fact that she wasn’t into that. One of the spots they visited in New York was a "bizarre club with cages, whips and other apparatus hanging from the ceiling," according to her court filing (sounds like Friday night to the Beefboy). Hey Jack, having a hot wife isn’t enough to get your little pee pee hard? Got to kick it up a notch? How about if you take her home and then pull out the toys? Just a suggestion. I can’t say that I blame Jack for trying, but I think I’ll put him in the same category as Kobe Bryant and Hugh Grant, nutsacks who are too fucking stupid to appreciate what they have.

- Everyone who knows anything about stem cell research will tell you that it's an incredibly promising biological field that may lead to solving a little issue known as cancer, brain disorders like Alzheimer’s and allow Christopher Reeve to walk again. However, Bush, and the far right Christian nutsack brigade have vowed to fight opening up all avenues of acquiring stem cells. Why? Because they are afraid that fertility clinics will have abortions to fuel the need for stem cells! Where does this idea come from? Bad Sci-Fi movies? Can you see Charlton Heston saying, “Stem cell research is made of PE-OPLE!”

Basically, because of some mystical moral horseshit, we’ve lost 4 years of potential research that could save and improve the lives of every person on the Earth. Neat.

June 19, 2004

- After a year on the Couch Pirates site and a year as a subdomain, the Beefboy has his own site! There's several reasons, but primarily it makes it easier for me to promote and expand my site. This site was sucking up too much bandwidth and there are some limitations with promotion when you're working from a sub domain. To make a long story short, this site is getting some amazing hits and if I want to take it to the next level I need my own pad. Thanks to everyone who visits and especially those who write in. I couldn't have done this without you.

- The Beefboy is ready to plow that office chick from the Burger King commercials. What kind of minxy muffin is this girl playing? She eats everyone's food, teases these poor sad cubicle monkeys and delivers her lines with beefy breaths. The Beefboy needs her! Now.

- It didn't take Playboy long to get that issue out! Yes, the Olsen's are 18. It's somewhat amazing that so many people are intimately aware of that fact. So how long are we going to have to wait for that Playboy issue? Probably forever, Beefanatics. These chicks are worth about 300 million dollars. There's not much that Playboy could offer them... besides a career as an adult... and if you have 300 bills in the bank, who cares if you ever work again?

-Madonna wants you to call her Ester. No kidding. What the fuck is it about fame and fortune that makes you completely lose your mind? I tell you what Madonna, the Beefboy is willing to compromise and call you "Crazy Ol' Bitch" (COB) and leave it at that. How does that sound? Good? Neat.

June 10, 2004

-The Beefboy heard this crazy rumor that Ronald Reagan died last weekend. Has anyone else heard that? I can’t seem to find anything on that subject… not on TV, or the radio, or in the newspaper… or even on the internet. If someone knows something about this, could you please point me in the right direction? Cool.

-So when did your standard shaving razor become the most technically advanced item in your house? Have you seen the commercials lately? You’d think they were talking about nanotechnology or cold fusion, not something to cut your hair off. “It’s got titanium edges AND a lubricating strip!”… “It’s got four blades! We’re not fucking with you! Four FUCKING BLADES! Science has finally caught up with your stubble!”

The Beefboy actually heard one fuck-off commercial say, “It’s like the type of razor a Superhero would use." Really? The Blue Beetle endorses this product? Wow! I fucking must have it now! It will shave your face? AWESOME!

I think they need to come out with something called the Hellrazor. It has 666 blades on it (with a lubricating strip) and it will sever your head and send you straight to Hell with one swipe.

June 6, 2004

Seven days until the Olsen Twins are legal. Nuff said.

June 4, 2004

The Beefboy is not a huge fan of Britney Spears, I mean she's attractive, but there are far more beautiful chicks out there that are infinately more desireable. However, I know the Beefanatics love her and I have some juicy news.

The pics above are from Britney Spears' opening night show in Dublin. Is that a nipple slip?... I leave that up to you to decide (fantasize about...). I'd say she's bursting at the seams of her dominatrix outfit... definately a sheep in wolf's clothing. Also, what's up with the demure ring on her wedding finger?

Spears has just been approved for five shows in China next year. There are some stipulations though. "Every aspect of her tour will have to undergo examination and approval," the Chinese cultural agency said. Is there anyone out there that would like to be in charge of Britney's "examination and approval?" The line starts right here.